I started an entire Substack about this because I was just diagnosed five months ago (I just turned 42, it’s been a reaaaalll mind fuck), and I’m also married to a non ADHDer.
I think the thing I’d add is the rejection sensitivity. It’s not that criticism or rejection are necessarily easy for neurotypical people to manage, but it doesn’t create the absolute crippling days long chaos and emotional dysregulation that it does for me. I’m still wrapping my brain around how much that has shaped my life.
Here’s one....DON’T rearrange my stuff. I know exactly where I put that random once a year bill. Three pages down in a stack buried under fourteen other things on my workspace. I know where it is because I put it there and if its pile gets moved we’ll both be up a creek because it’s just gone forever the.
I am 45... and I was diagnosed a little while back, and the first thing I realised about 15 minutes after starting my medication was that I had this kind of mid-level anxiety (in my body, not so much my thoughts) ALL the time, and it was just gone?
Now I still get anxious (like that chain of thought above with the cough, or other personal stuff) but this kind of constant feeling in my body, it eased up? Which made me have lots of thoughts about gender and trauma and being Autistic (also recently diagnosed and sometimes I dont know what is what) and I really wanted to write something about it, but I didn't, because I have lots of things I "have"/"need" to do, and if I start writing about this it will take up too much of my time and I won't be able to do any of the other things I need to do?
And I did some study the other day (I decided I am going back to University), and I was like "Yes! Doing the thing!" And then I kept forgetting to drink and eat - and knowing I have a really hard time stopping something I'm in to is why I have given up so many things? Because regulation around them is tough - and then once I stop them, I kind of forget about them unless something explicitly reminds me.
I was a chef too, on and off, and when he was working me towards diagnosis, my psychiatrist said to me he's pretty sure that a lot of chefs are neurodiverse, because of the nature of the work, and it makes so much sense! I get those constant little dopamine hits from sending out nice looking meals, or finishing a bit of the prep list, and I might work a 13 hour day and time flies if it's busy, but then I also get extra tired because I'll see something (a dirty shelf) and if there's a lull, I have to clean it, and then I'll get pulled in to doing all this extra stuff. And kind of like the writing then I find it overwhelming to do anything, because I can't do things by like a quarter - so I can't just wash the dishes, I have to clean all the walls and counters in the kitchen at home too, and I don't want to do that - and so then it's overwhelming. I have found that medication helps that a little though (we are still working on titration of my dose) with the "procrastination"/avoidance.
Okay and now I feel weird and like this has gone on too long, but thanks for writing this.
It’s interesting. My husband has ADHD. I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I am recognizing so much in myself the more I read and learn about ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. So for years I thought I was in a relationship as the non-ADHDer and now it’s more like, we both have neurodivergence going on and it presents in wildly different ways for each of us. So reading this piece, it feels like ¾ of it applies to my husband and I can learn something about being a better partner to him, but also like ¼-½ applies to me too. So I guess I’m saying we both need to read this.
Something I've learned about living with my ADHD is how much I need structure and specific places for things to feel comfortable. Not being able to find things, having things I like get damaged because they got lost in a stack or something fell on top of it—it makes me anxious and sad. When I've given myself the time and space to design things for myself (and not how others think a space should look) I'm that much more likely to feel cozy and ok.
I want people without ADHD to know that for certain things I'm going to need a lot more time: a cross-town move could take 6+ months. But for other things like designing a website, I'll get it done much faster than expected. It's not because I care about moving less or it's boring to me, it's that logistically the move is so much more complicated and emotionally overwhelming for my brain.
Just read the check depositing paragraph and I feek that big time. I have a refund check I need to deposit from my thankfully ex-landlords and I would have just done it digitally but the assholes made it out to my partner instead of me (and I'm the one with the bank account) so now something doable but still a pain in the butt has turned into a whole ass QUEST I have to fit into my workweek somehow. Even medicated, I'm still overwhelmed and tired 😮💨
I’m sharing this with everyone who loves me to explain myself and my daughter. We are such a pair and it’s hard to understand. You spoke words of wisdom and reminded me that it’s okay. I’m okay. She’s okay. We just have brains a little differently made. Thank you very much for sharing. 🤗👍🏾🙏🏾
Re: the big picture: I normally park my car on the right side of our driveway, so my husband (who parks in the garage) can pull out if needed. But yesterday, I had to run errands and then had plans for my mom to meet me at home so we could go out that night, so I parked behind my husband's car in the driveway, ensuring my mom would park in my spot. When I came home later, my husband asked why I'd parked behind him-- he wasn't upset, just curious. I explained that if there'd been an emergency, I wanted him to be able to leave the garage without my mom's car parked behind him (which she always does even if there's room). He'd never considered the idea that there might be an emergency which required him to leave the house, but I'd not only considered it, I'd planned for it. Did it happen? No. But I excel at thinking of everything that can go wrong, and planning for it, to the point that when I do something out of the ordinary, my husband trusts there's a reason I did it and it's one he never thought of.
We've also learned that if I go to the store and he remembers something he wanted me to get, the best way to make sure it happens is to first call me, verbally verify it with me (and possibly brainstorm more things to get), then text the list to me. The moment I hang up, it's like shaking an etch-a-sketch unless that text is an immediate follow-up.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 38 (I'm inattentive, my mom and brother are hyperactive type and he was diagnosed at age 6), and I have had so many careful scaffolds and redundant systems in my life to ensure I don't completely screw things up. My schedule goes into my paper planner, my google calendar, and my home office calendar. My google calendar is religiously color-coded for work, meetings, grad school, each kid, and family events. The flip side of this rigorous work to make sure I don't forget anything is that on my days off when I really don't have anything to worry about, I'm consumed with anxiety that I did, in fact, forget something and now I'm ruining it for everyone.
This feels like someone was in my head and wrote all my thoughts and feelings. I was 33 when I was diagnosed with ADHD and since then have been sorting though the internalized trauma I have been storing- especially the internal thoughts around who I am as a partner and a friend.
All of my life I have struggled with people understanding my “1 gallon tank of gas.” Thank you for finding the words.
I’m a 55-year-old Army sergeant veteran married to a non-ADHD Army sergeant veteran. I was just diagnosed through the Veterans Administration in July and am beginning attention therapy in a little over a week. ADHD was both a curse and a blessing for me as a soldier. I had to remember lists of stuff and had to pay close attention to detail, which was a struggle, and staying focused was a challenge as well. Standing still for long periods was always a nightmare. But soldiers do lots of different things throughout the day, and no two days are exactly alone, so I rarely got bored. And it also brought survival benefits: I notice any movement very quickly and also see things that are out of place more often than others.
Trying to talk to someone in a sports bar is a nightmare. Too much movement, too much noise, all made that much worse by televisions everywhere that are going to distract me from you—guaranteed—because, “Oh, look, movement! Colors! Light! Squirrels!” And yet, in the chaos of combat training—which I thankfully never had to apply in in actual combat—focus! (I still don’t quite understand that mismatch.)
Your substack is my most exciting read right now. You're constantly writing about something I've just written about, or something I was thinking of writing about. All of these points are so relatable.
For me, today, that trauma point in #1 is all I've been talking about this weekend w my spouse. I'd add to that a related trauma from being completely misunderstood, seemingly at all times. Before I knew about ADHD (in my 40s), I could not understand why some things were THE BIGGEST deal to me, and no one else cared about them. I am wired to expect not to be heard going in to any serious discussion, and I now tend to call out those closest to me if they fit that narrative I possess.
Okay, this just now happened. I was thinking about what I read in this article. And while I was thinking about it, my wife started to tell me something while she was in the dinning room. I'm in the living room. No so far away, close enough for conversation, just not where we can look at her. So, she begins a conversation not knowing that my head is off somewhere. I sort of hear her voice, but my filter is still on. She's talking to me for 30 seconds or so before my sound filter turns off, but by that time, I don't know who or what she is talking about because I did not get the first part. So the question is, do I just admit that I was not listening, or continue to listen in the hope I can get the gist of it through the remaining context, enough to respond appropriately. This is one of things that people hate from us, I think.
37, just diagnosed the very long way and started meds on Friday. Took half a dose this morning without enough food and completely overwhelmed my non-adhd spouse, which sent me into a rejection spiral. Holy shit, this is such a trip. I've been crying off and on all day even though I know that he's here for me. But the fear I'm too much and everyone will one day wise up and leave me feels so real.
Thank you for writing so eloquently, this is a good starting point for me to share with people in my life.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing. As a parent of a young daughter with ADHD, she was front and center of my mind while reading. I definitely need more to be more mindful and gracious in how I react and respond.
I didn’t find out how much ADHD was in my family until we started seeing more explosive meltdowns from my now 6 yo (he was 2.5 when he started getting near daily incident reports at preschool due to his lack of impulse control surrounding the train- we ended up moving to the sister school partially bc his first preschool didn’t take babies and I was trying to go back to work but partially bc he couldn’t handle working on train tracks with anyone! At the new school his teachers were the age of his grandmas and one of those teachers is teaching my 4 yo now 4 years later! They were the most emotionally regulated teachers I’ve ever seen, I don’t know how they maintained the level of calm they had but they brought all the calm to his chaos.
But I found out my husband and I had ADHD when my oldest kid was 4ish so early 2022. The amount of effort I spend thinking about someone resonates, when I volunteered as guardian ad litem in law school I had the hardest time contacting the foster families about my kids but I had spent so much effort thinking about contacting them I was exhausted! My husband’s list of home projects is never ending and despite knowing he has ADHD I still get hurt when his priorities don’t line up with mine! We are thinking of getting full eval for our kid now, he does well with the structure of school but I want to be prepared and help him cope better than we did as kids. My undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD were a perfectionism combo that made my life very hard as a little kid.
All of this, so much. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 59. My husband is non-adhd.
The diagnosis was eye opening in that I could immediately go back to the second grade and identify things I was doing (or not doing) that were related to having ADHD.
If I were to pick a couple things, it's the Big Picture thing that I sometimes let my brain do for fun: take a city, any city you've been in, and zoom out. Within a nano second I can picture the entire infrastructure of that city, above and below ground. I can see street view, roads, bridges, canals, sewer lines, electric, elevators in buildings, people, cars, etc. etc. Like my mind flies around and sees it all.
I have never in my life played video games, because I can bring one up in my head.
The other big thing the last point you bring up, about relationships. I just want to copy and paste that part and send it to all my (remaining) friends. Because every single word of it is true.
I feel like my ADHD has gotten worse over the years, I don't know if that's a thing. Plus cognitive issues due to long-covid. After talking with my therapist, I am going out to get ADHD meds. Picking them up from the pharmacy today. Because....I am TIRED of trying to self-regulate.
Thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
I started an entire Substack about this because I was just diagnosed five months ago (I just turned 42, it’s been a reaaaalll mind fuck), and I’m also married to a non ADHDer.
I think the thing I’d add is the rejection sensitivity. It’s not that criticism or rejection are necessarily easy for neurotypical people to manage, but it doesn’t create the absolute crippling days long chaos and emotional dysregulation that it does for me. I’m still wrapping my brain around how much that has shaped my life.
Here’s one....DON’T rearrange my stuff. I know exactly where I put that random once a year bill. Three pages down in a stack buried under fourteen other things on my workspace. I know where it is because I put it there and if its pile gets moved we’ll both be up a creek because it’s just gone forever the.
I am 45... and I was diagnosed a little while back, and the first thing I realised about 15 minutes after starting my medication was that I had this kind of mid-level anxiety (in my body, not so much my thoughts) ALL the time, and it was just gone?
Now I still get anxious (like that chain of thought above with the cough, or other personal stuff) but this kind of constant feeling in my body, it eased up? Which made me have lots of thoughts about gender and trauma and being Autistic (also recently diagnosed and sometimes I dont know what is what) and I really wanted to write something about it, but I didn't, because I have lots of things I "have"/"need" to do, and if I start writing about this it will take up too much of my time and I won't be able to do any of the other things I need to do?
And I did some study the other day (I decided I am going back to University), and I was like "Yes! Doing the thing!" And then I kept forgetting to drink and eat - and knowing I have a really hard time stopping something I'm in to is why I have given up so many things? Because regulation around them is tough - and then once I stop them, I kind of forget about them unless something explicitly reminds me.
I was a chef too, on and off, and when he was working me towards diagnosis, my psychiatrist said to me he's pretty sure that a lot of chefs are neurodiverse, because of the nature of the work, and it makes so much sense! I get those constant little dopamine hits from sending out nice looking meals, or finishing a bit of the prep list, and I might work a 13 hour day and time flies if it's busy, but then I also get extra tired because I'll see something (a dirty shelf) and if there's a lull, I have to clean it, and then I'll get pulled in to doing all this extra stuff. And kind of like the writing then I find it overwhelming to do anything, because I can't do things by like a quarter - so I can't just wash the dishes, I have to clean all the walls and counters in the kitchen at home too, and I don't want to do that - and so then it's overwhelming. I have found that medication helps that a little though (we are still working on titration of my dose) with the "procrastination"/avoidance.
Okay and now I feel weird and like this has gone on too long, but thanks for writing this.
It’s interesting. My husband has ADHD. I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I am recognizing so much in myself the more I read and learn about ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. So for years I thought I was in a relationship as the non-ADHDer and now it’s more like, we both have neurodivergence going on and it presents in wildly different ways for each of us. So reading this piece, it feels like ¾ of it applies to my husband and I can learn something about being a better partner to him, but also like ¼-½ applies to me too. So I guess I’m saying we both need to read this.
Something I've learned about living with my ADHD is how much I need structure and specific places for things to feel comfortable. Not being able to find things, having things I like get damaged because they got lost in a stack or something fell on top of it—it makes me anxious and sad. When I've given myself the time and space to design things for myself (and not how others think a space should look) I'm that much more likely to feel cozy and ok.
I want people without ADHD to know that for certain things I'm going to need a lot more time: a cross-town move could take 6+ months. But for other things like designing a website, I'll get it done much faster than expected. It's not because I care about moving less or it's boring to me, it's that logistically the move is so much more complicated and emotionally overwhelming for my brain.
Just read the check depositing paragraph and I feek that big time. I have a refund check I need to deposit from my thankfully ex-landlords and I would have just done it digitally but the assholes made it out to my partner instead of me (and I'm the one with the bank account) so now something doable but still a pain in the butt has turned into a whole ass QUEST I have to fit into my workweek somehow. Even medicated, I'm still overwhelmed and tired 😮💨
I’m sharing this with everyone who loves me to explain myself and my daughter. We are such a pair and it’s hard to understand. You spoke words of wisdom and reminded me that it’s okay. I’m okay. She’s okay. We just have brains a little differently made. Thank you very much for sharing. 🤗👍🏾🙏🏾
Re: the big picture: I normally park my car on the right side of our driveway, so my husband (who parks in the garage) can pull out if needed. But yesterday, I had to run errands and then had plans for my mom to meet me at home so we could go out that night, so I parked behind my husband's car in the driveway, ensuring my mom would park in my spot. When I came home later, my husband asked why I'd parked behind him-- he wasn't upset, just curious. I explained that if there'd been an emergency, I wanted him to be able to leave the garage without my mom's car parked behind him (which she always does even if there's room). He'd never considered the idea that there might be an emergency which required him to leave the house, but I'd not only considered it, I'd planned for it. Did it happen? No. But I excel at thinking of everything that can go wrong, and planning for it, to the point that when I do something out of the ordinary, my husband trusts there's a reason I did it and it's one he never thought of.
We've also learned that if I go to the store and he remembers something he wanted me to get, the best way to make sure it happens is to first call me, verbally verify it with me (and possibly brainstorm more things to get), then text the list to me. The moment I hang up, it's like shaking an etch-a-sketch unless that text is an immediate follow-up.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 38 (I'm inattentive, my mom and brother are hyperactive type and he was diagnosed at age 6), and I have had so many careful scaffolds and redundant systems in my life to ensure I don't completely screw things up. My schedule goes into my paper planner, my google calendar, and my home office calendar. My google calendar is religiously color-coded for work, meetings, grad school, each kid, and family events. The flip side of this rigorous work to make sure I don't forget anything is that on my days off when I really don't have anything to worry about, I'm consumed with anxiety that I did, in fact, forget something and now I'm ruining it for everyone.
This feels like someone was in my head and wrote all my thoughts and feelings. I was 33 when I was diagnosed with ADHD and since then have been sorting though the internalized trauma I have been storing- especially the internal thoughts around who I am as a partner and a friend.
All of my life I have struggled with people understanding my “1 gallon tank of gas.” Thank you for finding the words.
I’m a 55-year-old Army sergeant veteran married to a non-ADHD Army sergeant veteran. I was just diagnosed through the Veterans Administration in July and am beginning attention therapy in a little over a week. ADHD was both a curse and a blessing for me as a soldier. I had to remember lists of stuff and had to pay close attention to detail, which was a struggle, and staying focused was a challenge as well. Standing still for long periods was always a nightmare. But soldiers do lots of different things throughout the day, and no two days are exactly alone, so I rarely got bored. And it also brought survival benefits: I notice any movement very quickly and also see things that are out of place more often than others.
Trying to talk to someone in a sports bar is a nightmare. Too much movement, too much noise, all made that much worse by televisions everywhere that are going to distract me from you—guaranteed—because, “Oh, look, movement! Colors! Light! Squirrels!” And yet, in the chaos of combat training—which I thankfully never had to apply in in actual combat—focus! (I still don’t quite understand that mismatch.)
Your substack is my most exciting read right now. You're constantly writing about something I've just written about, or something I was thinking of writing about. All of these points are so relatable.
For me, today, that trauma point in #1 is all I've been talking about this weekend w my spouse. I'd add to that a related trauma from being completely misunderstood, seemingly at all times. Before I knew about ADHD (in my 40s), I could not understand why some things were THE BIGGEST deal to me, and no one else cared about them. I am wired to expect not to be heard going in to any serious discussion, and I now tend to call out those closest to me if they fit that narrative I possess.
Thanks, again, for your perspective. :)
Okay, this just now happened. I was thinking about what I read in this article. And while I was thinking about it, my wife started to tell me something while she was in the dinning room. I'm in the living room. No so far away, close enough for conversation, just not where we can look at her. So, she begins a conversation not knowing that my head is off somewhere. I sort of hear her voice, but my filter is still on. She's talking to me for 30 seconds or so before my sound filter turns off, but by that time, I don't know who or what she is talking about because I did not get the first part. So the question is, do I just admit that I was not listening, or continue to listen in the hope I can get the gist of it through the remaining context, enough to respond appropriately. This is one of things that people hate from us, I think.
37, just diagnosed the very long way and started meds on Friday. Took half a dose this morning without enough food and completely overwhelmed my non-adhd spouse, which sent me into a rejection spiral. Holy shit, this is such a trip. I've been crying off and on all day even though I know that he's here for me. But the fear I'm too much and everyone will one day wise up and leave me feels so real.
Thank you for writing so eloquently, this is a good starting point for me to share with people in my life.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing. As a parent of a young daughter with ADHD, she was front and center of my mind while reading. I definitely need more to be more mindful and gracious in how I react and respond.
I didn’t find out how much ADHD was in my family until we started seeing more explosive meltdowns from my now 6 yo (he was 2.5 when he started getting near daily incident reports at preschool due to his lack of impulse control surrounding the train- we ended up moving to the sister school partially bc his first preschool didn’t take babies and I was trying to go back to work but partially bc he couldn’t handle working on train tracks with anyone! At the new school his teachers were the age of his grandmas and one of those teachers is teaching my 4 yo now 4 years later! They were the most emotionally regulated teachers I’ve ever seen, I don’t know how they maintained the level of calm they had but they brought all the calm to his chaos.
But I found out my husband and I had ADHD when my oldest kid was 4ish so early 2022. The amount of effort I spend thinking about someone resonates, when I volunteered as guardian ad litem in law school I had the hardest time contacting the foster families about my kids but I had spent so much effort thinking about contacting them I was exhausted! My husband’s list of home projects is never ending and despite knowing he has ADHD I still get hurt when his priorities don’t line up with mine! We are thinking of getting full eval for our kid now, he does well with the structure of school but I want to be prepared and help him cope better than we did as kids. My undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD were a perfectionism combo that made my life very hard as a little kid.
All of this, so much. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 59. My husband is non-adhd.
The diagnosis was eye opening in that I could immediately go back to the second grade and identify things I was doing (or not doing) that were related to having ADHD.
If I were to pick a couple things, it's the Big Picture thing that I sometimes let my brain do for fun: take a city, any city you've been in, and zoom out. Within a nano second I can picture the entire infrastructure of that city, above and below ground. I can see street view, roads, bridges, canals, sewer lines, electric, elevators in buildings, people, cars, etc. etc. Like my mind flies around and sees it all.
I have never in my life played video games, because I can bring one up in my head.
The other big thing the last point you bring up, about relationships. I just want to copy and paste that part and send it to all my (remaining) friends. Because every single word of it is true.
I feel like my ADHD has gotten worse over the years, I don't know if that's a thing. Plus cognitive issues due to long-covid. After talking with my therapist, I am going out to get ADHD meds. Picking them up from the pharmacy today. Because....I am TIRED of trying to self-regulate.
Thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.