Your story, so similar and very different, resonated with me and I appreciate what you probably went through to write it. "I don't know, and I never will, because all my father is in my life is all that he wasn't." - I get this and it made me cry at my desk. Thank you for sharing with us.
I've been moved by your transparency before. This is another level. I could attempt some profound statement of appreciation but... just thank you for taking me to tears for all of y'all. Ed
Truly a beautiful piece about such a hard subject. I had to permanently disconnect from my very toxic father because his presence caused so much harm in my life. To hear you speak of the harm your absent father caused is a reminder that someone doesn't have to be involved in your life to be harmful to you. It is one thing to have compassion for them as a human being and understand that "hurt people hurt people", however, that hurt that was inflicted on young children growing up with that has to also be given space. Thank you for sharing this difficult part of your journey. <3
I have been wondering about your take ever since Aham wrote about that phone call. I think of that essay all the time.
I also have felt misunderstood as a relationship realist/pragmatist surrounded by the pressures of delusional positivity. But as an adult I am often praised for having deep and compassionate insights into the way other people actually are. You also have a lot of both clarity and compassion with others, and I really appreciate that in all your work.
Thank you for an eternal through line of integrity and for naming the thing and things. I appreciate the complexity that is family and fathers, and so much more that you illuminate in what is a deeply personal story. To read this was deeply timely. Thank you again.
I too know the burden of having a deadbeat African father.
After cutting off my siblings, (under my cardiologists orders); I'll share that story another time. (My recently departed African mother was certainly rolling in her grave).
I began the journey of endless shame for my sibs as "divorcing" them ment keeping a hard fought secret from my African relatives.
The same relatives inquiring from my sibs what I was doing. and. If I was married yet.
Hey that reminds me. Whenever I went to visit my uncle, my mother's older brother, who is still alive. He would grab one of his five cell phones and start calling Africa so all the relatives could pester me with questions and I could provide real time any and all my crucial life updates. And more importantly all my sibs updates BECAUSE, that's the drill.
With my lack of updates to endless tutting, (I suppose meant to be shame inducing) I would get the BIG question. ARE YOU MARRIED. one distant cousin after telling me all about his amazing son,asked if I could sponser his son to Canada. AND my WEIGHT AND HEIGHT. Folks I'm not kidding.
Always when you write you touch into true things like a poet/prophet - telling the clear edges, showing the intersections, exposing multiple levels of learning. My kids grew up without a father. I grew up with a father who wasn't there despite being there. We never talk about it either. Thank you for the privilege of learning from you.
This is a stunningly beautiful piece. Thank you for being so honest about something so excruciating and complicated. ❤️ Much, much love.
Your story, so similar and very different, resonated with me and I appreciate what you probably went through to write it. "I don't know, and I never will, because all my father is in my life is all that he wasn't." - I get this and it made me cry at my desk. Thank you for sharing with us.
I've been moved by your transparency before. This is another level. I could attempt some profound statement of appreciation but... just thank you for taking me to tears for all of y'all. Ed
Truly a beautiful piece about such a hard subject. I had to permanently disconnect from my very toxic father because his presence caused so much harm in my life. To hear you speak of the harm your absent father caused is a reminder that someone doesn't have to be involved in your life to be harmful to you. It is one thing to have compassion for them as a human being and understand that "hurt people hurt people", however, that hurt that was inflicted on young children growing up with that has to also be given space. Thank you for sharing this difficult part of your journey. <3
I have been wondering about your take ever since Aham wrote about that phone call. I think of that essay all the time.
I also have felt misunderstood as a relationship realist/pragmatist surrounded by the pressures of delusional positivity. But as an adult I am often praised for having deep and compassionate insights into the way other people actually are. You also have a lot of both clarity and compassion with others, and I really appreciate that in all your work.
Thank you for an eternal through line of integrity and for naming the thing and things. I appreciate the complexity that is family and fathers, and so much more that you illuminate in what is a deeply personal story. To read this was deeply timely. Thank you again.
Thank you!
This essay brought up so many feelings for me, and I know I'll come back to it. Thank you for publishing it here.
I too know the burden of having a deadbeat African father.
After cutting off my siblings, (under my cardiologists orders); I'll share that story another time. (My recently departed African mother was certainly rolling in her grave).
I began the journey of endless shame for my sibs as "divorcing" them ment keeping a hard fought secret from my African relatives.
The same relatives inquiring from my sibs what I was doing. and. If I was married yet.
Hey that reminds me. Whenever I went to visit my uncle, my mother's older brother, who is still alive. He would grab one of his five cell phones and start calling Africa so all the relatives could pester me with questions and I could provide real time any and all my crucial life updates. And more importantly all my sibs updates BECAUSE, that's the drill.
With my lack of updates to endless tutting, (I suppose meant to be shame inducing) I would get the BIG question. ARE YOU MARRIED. one distant cousin after telling me all about his amazing son,asked if I could sponser his son to Canada. AND my WEIGHT AND HEIGHT. Folks I'm not kidding.
Anyway needless to say sister, I feel your pain.
This was a beautiful piece, thank you for sharing it with us.
Always when you write you touch into true things like a poet/prophet - telling the clear edges, showing the intersections, exposing multiple levels of learning. My kids grew up without a father. I grew up with a father who wasn't there despite being there. We never talk about it either. Thank you for the privilege of learning from you.
Such a beautiful and touching piece.
Had me thinking over my relationship with my pseudo-absent father and his wife's attempts to keep him out of our lives.
But I too saw the hurt and felt firsthand the ostracizing from my half siblings and am still seething. ♥️