I am just commenting to say that I subscribe to a fair number of Substack newsletters and other similar things that arrive in my inbox regularly, and the only one (literally the only one) that I feel sincerely excited to receive and go read right away is yours. With all the others, even ones I like, there is always a little bit of self-nudging, a little bit of a sense of duty and responsibility. It occurred to me that since that is the case I ought to let you know. Thank you.
You so, so, SO deserve this break! And absolutely understandable that all the other shit comes bubbling to the surface in those first moments/days of peace. I remember my aunt going on a women writers' retreat and spending the first bit of it crying and wandering around like a ghost, as she put it. Not having to take care of anyone else was such a profound shock to the system, and you are also going through post-traumatic stress responses. Being there and processing it all is enough. Embrace it and know that we, your readers who feel like we sorta know you a bit even though you don't know us, are really happy for you! And thanks for sharing these ruminations. Your words always help me contextualize my own struggles with creativity, focus, and the challenges of doing equity work.
I went to a writing workshop recently. It was the first time I’d been away entirely alone for years. The first night I went to bed early because I didn’t know how to talk to people. The next night I happened into a group of other participants who are also moms of trans boys and literally I don’t think I stopped talking for 3.5 hours. Once I started I couldn’t stop, and I was talking SO FAST. It was exhilarating and exhausting and (a little) embarrassing. I’m not sure I know how to people anymore.
This hits. I haven’t really practiced socializing since I became disabled 6 years ago, and right about when I was going to be ready to start, the pandemic hit.
I can’t even describe how much the idea of having to relearn everything, with my very different, very not neurotypical, very intense brain, with very different impairments than I had pre-disability, and with the loss of most of the masking and coping strategies that I had pre-disability, and after such a long social hiatus (6 long years of social atrophy), AND with all the new pandemic barriers there are to socializing now…I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I know I turn into an intense hurricane of anxiety and overwhelm people and I *hate* it.
I think other people can relate more than they would have otherwise because of how the pandemic has affected just about everyone, so that’s a little reassuring. But man, it’s still supremely uncomfortable to contemplate being an almost literal tornado of intensity for however long it takes to get more comfortable again.
I wish luck to everyone trying to get back in the swing. I’m trying to give myself (and others) as much grace as I can with this struggle.
"But I am absolutely going to need to get help if I’m going to do this in a way that doesn’t sacrifice my wellbeing" 💚 I love that you are reaching out for support as a way to care more for yourself- you've been through a lot!
It's not just you!! But you articulate the process and the pain so clearly.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helped me; so did restful quiet; so do meds.
In the immortal words of Arthur Ashe; "Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can." To which I would add: he said "what" you can, not "as much as" you can. Self care mends the world.
Thank you for sharing your experience Ijeoma. I'm so glad you stayed and that you took that first step.
I see so much of myself in your writing and this entry has helped me feel much less alone in my thoughts. I recently had a similar situation that pushed me to start searching for a therapist. Socializing has always been work for me but I'd learned to be good at it pre-covid. Now... I am doing my best. What has been most affected has been my public speaking. Again, it's never come easy to me but the last two speaking engagements Ive had, I had what I can only describe as a very slow-burn anxiety attack in front of crowds of people. I don't recognize myself and I've never felt more embarrassed. I still get emotional thinking about it. I've reached a point where I can't keep ignoring my body screaming for help. My anxiety is wreaking havoc.
Here's to us both as we go on this journey. Let's hope for some, even a little relief (and less weirdness!)
Wishing you the best luck in finding a good therapist. I'm finally getting one after 6 years without (something something putting others' needs before my own bs excuse). All writer and artist retreats should definitely have both a therapist and a massage therapist on staff.
Dang I'm getting PTSD just from reading this post. My son was abducted to another country for a year when he was 3 years old. After I got him back, for about a year or more he had the most insane melt downs known to man, over mundane things. His therapist told me it's like when a big scary dog runs up to a small child, barks and is generally frightening, but eventually turns around and runs off. The child might go into survival mode in order to defend himself, and appear to have it together. But then later that day, when the child recounts the tale of the scary encounter to his Mom, he might burst into tears. He is no longer in the danger zone, he's in a safe space with a trusted caregiver. Sub-consciously the child realized it's finally OK to deal with the emotions he compartmentalized out of necessity to survive the big dog encounter. No, you are not crazy, sounds like a pretty natural and healthy way to survive what sounds like a stressful time. Hopefully you can work through it! Good luck and hugs to you! Also I love your writing!
I'm sending you so much love! I cringed and nodded right along with you during the talking too much moments - I know that feeling in my BONES. And good luck on the finding-a-therapist journey; I have had therapy on and off over the years and never really "clicked" - but I've been seeing my current therapist for close to two years now and it's AMAZING. Fingers crossed you find one who works for you! Thanks, as always, for your words.
After the siege, the panic, the days of stress… when things are calm… I start hiccuping… That is how my body tells me it’s way part time for calming, for healing… Your self awareness is perfect and I hope you find the right therapist. May the place and waves and people continue to bring healing and inspiration.
Wow- you really have been Through It in the last few years! And a lot that you had no control in needing to take on. Good for you for caring for yourself and your well being.
It sounds like a MOLD problem (the cabin, not you).
Many of your descriptions sound like a combination of mold, food reactions, and lack of sunshine (pills are not sunlight).
What should your real skin color be? Not the writer-at-her-keyboard color, but real color. Now look at a UV map: match your real skin color with the place you live now.
Now drive or fly to the place that will give you sufficient sunshine to survive.
The thing I dislike about therapists is that they do not eliminate or address a number of key factors. My best friend got her MD from Yale, became a head psychiatrist at a top hospital, and now she’s a basket case from all the psych meds she’s taken. Doctors can’t even help themselves. Not to discourage good, healthy dialog help, however, but therapy is a small part of a bigger picture.
I really relate to feeling desperate for solitude at the same time that I feel isolated and lonely. What the heck is that?! And yeah, every interaction is super awkward now. I hope there's some consolation in knowing you are far from alone in this. Thanks for expressing it so well.
I am just commenting to say that I subscribe to a fair number of Substack newsletters and other similar things that arrive in my inbox regularly, and the only one (literally the only one) that I feel sincerely excited to receive and go read right away is yours. With all the others, even ones I like, there is always a little bit of self-nudging, a little bit of a sense of duty and responsibility. It occurred to me that since that is the case I ought to let you know. Thank you.
same! you nailed it.
You so, so, SO deserve this break! And absolutely understandable that all the other shit comes bubbling to the surface in those first moments/days of peace. I remember my aunt going on a women writers' retreat and spending the first bit of it crying and wandering around like a ghost, as she put it. Not having to take care of anyone else was such a profound shock to the system, and you are also going through post-traumatic stress responses. Being there and processing it all is enough. Embrace it and know that we, your readers who feel like we sorta know you a bit even though you don't know us, are really happy for you! And thanks for sharing these ruminations. Your words always help me contextualize my own struggles with creativity, focus, and the challenges of doing equity work.
I went to a writing workshop recently. It was the first time I’d been away entirely alone for years. The first night I went to bed early because I didn’t know how to talk to people. The next night I happened into a group of other participants who are also moms of trans boys and literally I don’t think I stopped talking for 3.5 hours. Once I started I couldn’t stop, and I was talking SO FAST. It was exhilarating and exhausting and (a little) embarrassing. I’m not sure I know how to people anymore.
This hits. I haven’t really practiced socializing since I became disabled 6 years ago, and right about when I was going to be ready to start, the pandemic hit.
I can’t even describe how much the idea of having to relearn everything, with my very different, very not neurotypical, very intense brain, with very different impairments than I had pre-disability, and with the loss of most of the masking and coping strategies that I had pre-disability, and after such a long social hiatus (6 long years of social atrophy), AND with all the new pandemic barriers there are to socializing now…I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I know I turn into an intense hurricane of anxiety and overwhelm people and I *hate* it.
I think other people can relate more than they would have otherwise because of how the pandemic has affected just about everyone, so that’s a little reassuring. But man, it’s still supremely uncomfortable to contemplate being an almost literal tornado of intensity for however long it takes to get more comfortable again.
I wish luck to everyone trying to get back in the swing. I’m trying to give myself (and others) as much grace as I can with this struggle.
"But I am absolutely going to need to get help if I’m going to do this in a way that doesn’t sacrifice my wellbeing" 💚 I love that you are reaching out for support as a way to care more for yourself- you've been through a lot!
It's not just you!! But you articulate the process and the pain so clearly.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helped me; so did restful quiet; so do meds.
In the immortal words of Arthur Ashe; "Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can." To which I would add: he said "what" you can, not "as much as" you can. Self care mends the world.
Peace,
Lou
Thank you for sharing your experience Ijeoma. I'm so glad you stayed and that you took that first step.
I see so much of myself in your writing and this entry has helped me feel much less alone in my thoughts. I recently had a similar situation that pushed me to start searching for a therapist. Socializing has always been work for me but I'd learned to be good at it pre-covid. Now... I am doing my best. What has been most affected has been my public speaking. Again, it's never come easy to me but the last two speaking engagements Ive had, I had what I can only describe as a very slow-burn anxiety attack in front of crowds of people. I don't recognize myself and I've never felt more embarrassed. I still get emotional thinking about it. I've reached a point where I can't keep ignoring my body screaming for help. My anxiety is wreaking havoc.
Here's to us both as we go on this journey. Let's hope for some, even a little relief (and less weirdness!)
Wishing you the best luck in finding a good therapist. I'm finally getting one after 6 years without (something something putting others' needs before my own bs excuse). All writer and artist retreats should definitely have both a therapist and a massage therapist on staff.
Dang I'm getting PTSD just from reading this post. My son was abducted to another country for a year when he was 3 years old. After I got him back, for about a year or more he had the most insane melt downs known to man, over mundane things. His therapist told me it's like when a big scary dog runs up to a small child, barks and is generally frightening, but eventually turns around and runs off. The child might go into survival mode in order to defend himself, and appear to have it together. But then later that day, when the child recounts the tale of the scary encounter to his Mom, he might burst into tears. He is no longer in the danger zone, he's in a safe space with a trusted caregiver. Sub-consciously the child realized it's finally OK to deal with the emotions he compartmentalized out of necessity to survive the big dog encounter. No, you are not crazy, sounds like a pretty natural and healthy way to survive what sounds like a stressful time. Hopefully you can work through it! Good luck and hugs to you! Also I love your writing!
I'm sending you so much love! I cringed and nodded right along with you during the talking too much moments - I know that feeling in my BONES. And good luck on the finding-a-therapist journey; I have had therapy on and off over the years and never really "clicked" - but I've been seeing my current therapist for close to two years now and it's AMAZING. Fingers crossed you find one who works for you! Thanks, as always, for your words.
After the siege, the panic, the days of stress… when things are calm… I start hiccuping… That is how my body tells me it’s way part time for calming, for healing… Your self awareness is perfect and I hope you find the right therapist. May the place and waves and people continue to bring healing and inspiration.
It's so hard to ask for help. Good for you for doing it. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. I'm just applauding you from afar. ❤🧡
Wow- you really have been Through It in the last few years! And a lot that you had no control in needing to take on. Good for you for caring for yourself and your well being.
I love your writing Ijeoma. Really love it. I also suspect you may be an HSP - hope you find a therapist that understands that! Sending all my best!
It sounds like a MOLD problem (the cabin, not you).
Many of your descriptions sound like a combination of mold, food reactions, and lack of sunshine (pills are not sunlight).
What should your real skin color be? Not the writer-at-her-keyboard color, but real color. Now look at a UV map: match your real skin color with the place you live now.
Now drive or fly to the place that will give you sufficient sunshine to survive.
The thing I dislike about therapists is that they do not eliminate or address a number of key factors. My best friend got her MD from Yale, became a head psychiatrist at a top hospital, and now she’s a basket case from all the psych meds she’s taken. Doctors can’t even help themselves. Not to discourage good, healthy dialog help, however, but therapy is a small part of a bigger picture.
I really relate to feeling desperate for solitude at the same time that I feel isolated and lonely. What the heck is that?! And yeah, every interaction is super awkward now. I hope there's some consolation in knowing you are far from alone in this. Thanks for expressing it so well.