I can relate to so much of this. I love my friends. Since my spouse died last week, so many of them have showed up for me in different ways. But for many years I have found it difficult to invite even the dearest friends to do something fun with me or to just spend some time together. Reading your essay I realized (again) that it’s because I’m not confident that I’m interesting to be with.
My not-currently-treated ADHD means I’m often late or I don’t get cards, notes, or gifts sent even when someone is very much on my mind. I regularly forget to respond to emails, calls, and texts. I either talk too much or cant focus on the conversation or can’t think of anything to say. So in addition to not feeling like I’m fun/interesting enough, my forgetfulness makes me constantly feel like I’ve been a bad friend, which makes it even harder to reach out. It’s good to know I’m not alone in some of these feelings.
Damn. I realized I’m doing this too, trying to befriend people by thinking of what I can DO for them or how I can HELP them. But you’re right, that’s a very unhealthy dynamic. I guess it stems from my insecurity that if I’m not useful to people they will just discard me. But it’s actually ableist and dehumanizing to want someone to be dependent on you so that they never leave. Shit. Maybe I should stop offering to be a therapist and venting space for people as my means of deepening friendship with people. Maybe I should reach out to do something fun together instead. Woah. I’ve seriously never thought of this but it makes total sense. Thank you for opening my eyes to what healthy friendships entail.
I loved the line “We all contain multitudes but how can we know all that we are if most of it is never brought to light?” everything you wrote and experienced is so relatable- thank you for sharing what many of us feel (at least this introvert does!
"I have been able to see that I can’t bring part of myself to a relationship and expect it to ever be whole." - You have written so honestly about something I've struggled with for years and am working into the novel I am writing now. It's been easy all my life to cling to the role of oldest child, solution person, etc. and so much harder to show the people I want in my life the sides that have remained largely invisible in part because I don't offer and in part because they haven't, in the past, looked. It's been changing for a while now, this dynamic. My relationships with two women I've known for decades have taken a new turn into deeper territory because little by little, I opened up and they were still there. I am grateful. This is a wonderful essay. Thank you.
The ending of this I found a surprise, because I feel like your vulnerability and honesty IS being of service - that, even without anything else, is more than enough to bring to the table to help other people.
Lovely words and reflections, thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for putting this into words. My 91-year-old mom just passed and on her casket with the flowers was a card we wrote saying “ loving wife of 70 years, loving mom, loving grandma“. But who was she? Her hopes and dreams? She was from a time women were judged solely by the roles they played. How they supported their husbands. After reading your insightful article I think she did not have the space to figure out who she really was. Health concerns, family traumas took their toll. Thank you again for this beautiful piece. It has helped me look at the relationship with my mom from a different perspective. As an adult I still did not know her, but now there is a little space inside me that says that may not have been entirely of my own doing.
Ok. What the heck?? I’ve been thinking these thoughts for a year now.
This was brilliant. Affirming.
I’ve been questioning (and also questioning my questioning) the idea I was fed all my life: that in an introvert, shy, not able to make fiends. And during the pandemic, being able to live outside of white spaces ( basically, working remotely) I’ve experienced a fuller version of myself and finding it so very hard to go back.
I recently read a blog or article somewhere. That described the phenomenal called “background friend” and realized that’s the role I’ve been fitting for a very long time.
My environments, predominantly white, Christian environments have never allowed a full Amena to show up, not without consequences.
Anyway. All of this to say, this hit home. And I so very much appreciate your sharing and vulnerability.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have had a consistently hard time maintaining friendships with other women for my whole adult life.
Not because of caregiving/caretaking patterns, but likely due to the various effects of early trauma, attachment issues, and self-esteem distortion caused by my abusive mother i.e. my original introduction to "What Being Close to Women Is Like" when my little brain and physiology were just developing.
Thankfully, I've had healing/corrective experiences with female therapists over many years.. and that's great... but that hasn't necessarily translated into successful friendships with women [who I'm not literally paying to care about and help me]. I do currently have one pretty consistent female friend -- and that feels like a big win for me! (I'm in my late 40s!)
This made me tear up; thank you. Congratulations on learning to trust, on being willing to risk, on finding that opening to yourself and letting your partner share it. You're being a better friend to yourself, and that will make you a better friend to others. The pandemic... isn't helping.
I feel so deeply like audience to the people in my life, to the point where when I finally get a second to be in the spotlight, I over-react and temporarily suck all the oxygen out of the room and then I'm mortified for weeks. I don't know why anyone likes me unless I'm helpful or useful to them. And that's pretty pitiful. It's bittersweet to know it doesn't have to be that way.
Thank you so much for this, Ijeoma! You write so beautifully about something I struggle with constantly - even with my husband who is closer to me than just about anyone else in the world. It's so hard to allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable with other people, especially when doing that has resulted in pain and rejection in the past.
I have so many parallels to what you've shared about your own struggles and often get so overwhelmed I can't see just how much of myself I am reserving (really, just hiding) from others. I have recently reconnected with an old friend and the joy of being my whole self was a revelation. I hadn't realized just how much I needed that unfurling of my big, nerdy self. Thank you for being willing to share, it does make a difference, to me for certain.
“I have been able to see that I can’t bring part of myself to a relationship and expect it to ever be whole.”
I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot this week. There’s so much I identify with in this post (that I’m super late to comment on—my apologies!), maybe especially the part quoted above. Thank you for sharing all you do in your writing and helping others feel less alone.
When I signed up for the newsletter, it asked me to say why I was signing up. Having not read many newsletter posts, I didn't really know - but I know I like what the author has written in the past. This paragraph is exactly why I signed up for this newsletter:
"I don’t actually have advice to give here, and that makes me uncomfortable. This morning I sat at my desk trying to figure out how this newsletter could be of service and I had nothing but this to give. Even in this newsletter I struggle with the idea that I can just share part of who I am and that will be enough. Perhaps in writing this I’m trying to shift my relationship with you, reader, before we fall into unhealthy patterns. Perhaps I’m deciding to start here.":
Thank you for trusting us, your readers, to learn more of you than that you write stuff we connect with.
Thank you for writing this! I was so moved by your evolving self-awareness and dynamic evolution. I hope you find the people who can be there for you as much as you have been for others, and I wish you so much bravery as you keep stepping out of the safe role you’ve accepted from society/ self/ community and keep practicing bringing every part of yourself to your relationships.
I can relate to so much of this. I love my friends. Since my spouse died last week, so many of them have showed up for me in different ways. But for many years I have found it difficult to invite even the dearest friends to do something fun with me or to just spend some time together. Reading your essay I realized (again) that it’s because I’m not confident that I’m interesting to be with.
My not-currently-treated ADHD means I’m often late or I don’t get cards, notes, or gifts sent even when someone is very much on my mind. I regularly forget to respond to emails, calls, and texts. I either talk too much or cant focus on the conversation or can’t think of anything to say. So in addition to not feeling like I’m fun/interesting enough, my forgetfulness makes me constantly feel like I’ve been a bad friend, which makes it even harder to reach out. It’s good to know I’m not alone in some of these feelings.
Damn. I realized I’m doing this too, trying to befriend people by thinking of what I can DO for them or how I can HELP them. But you’re right, that’s a very unhealthy dynamic. I guess it stems from my insecurity that if I’m not useful to people they will just discard me. But it’s actually ableist and dehumanizing to want someone to be dependent on you so that they never leave. Shit. Maybe I should stop offering to be a therapist and venting space for people as my means of deepening friendship with people. Maybe I should reach out to do something fun together instead. Woah. I’ve seriously never thought of this but it makes total sense. Thank you for opening my eyes to what healthy friendships entail.
I. Feel. Seen.
I loved the line “We all contain multitudes but how can we know all that we are if most of it is never brought to light?” everything you wrote and experienced is so relatable- thank you for sharing what many of us feel (at least this introvert does!
"I have been able to see that I can’t bring part of myself to a relationship and expect it to ever be whole." - You have written so honestly about something I've struggled with for years and am working into the novel I am writing now. It's been easy all my life to cling to the role of oldest child, solution person, etc. and so much harder to show the people I want in my life the sides that have remained largely invisible in part because I don't offer and in part because they haven't, in the past, looked. It's been changing for a while now, this dynamic. My relationships with two women I've known for decades have taken a new turn into deeper territory because little by little, I opened up and they were still there. I am grateful. This is a wonderful essay. Thank you.
The ending of this I found a surprise, because I feel like your vulnerability and honesty IS being of service - that, even without anything else, is more than enough to bring to the table to help other people.
Lovely words and reflections, thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for putting this into words. My 91-year-old mom just passed and on her casket with the flowers was a card we wrote saying “ loving wife of 70 years, loving mom, loving grandma“. But who was she? Her hopes and dreams? She was from a time women were judged solely by the roles they played. How they supported their husbands. After reading your insightful article I think she did not have the space to figure out who she really was. Health concerns, family traumas took their toll. Thank you again for this beautiful piece. It has helped me look at the relationship with my mom from a different perspective. As an adult I still did not know her, but now there is a little space inside me that says that may not have been entirely of my own doing.
I've been thinking about this exact thing a lot lately. And also where do I draw the line between community care and just... you know. Fawning.
Ok. What the heck?? I’ve been thinking these thoughts for a year now.
This was brilliant. Affirming.
I’ve been questioning (and also questioning my questioning) the idea I was fed all my life: that in an introvert, shy, not able to make fiends. And during the pandemic, being able to live outside of white spaces ( basically, working remotely) I’ve experienced a fuller version of myself and finding it so very hard to go back.
I recently read a blog or article somewhere. That described the phenomenal called “background friend” and realized that’s the role I’ve been fitting for a very long time.
My environments, predominantly white, Christian environments have never allowed a full Amena to show up, not without consequences.
Anyway. All of this to say, this hit home. And I so very much appreciate your sharing and vulnerability.
Lots of love, Ijeoma. You are majestic.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have had a consistently hard time maintaining friendships with other women for my whole adult life.
Not because of caregiving/caretaking patterns, but likely due to the various effects of early trauma, attachment issues, and self-esteem distortion caused by my abusive mother i.e. my original introduction to "What Being Close to Women Is Like" when my little brain and physiology were just developing.
Thankfully, I've had healing/corrective experiences with female therapists over many years.. and that's great... but that hasn't necessarily translated into successful friendships with women [who I'm not literally paying to care about and help me]. I do currently have one pretty consistent female friend -- and that feels like a big win for me! (I'm in my late 40s!)
This made me tear up; thank you. Congratulations on learning to trust, on being willing to risk, on finding that opening to yourself and letting your partner share it. You're being a better friend to yourself, and that will make you a better friend to others. The pandemic... isn't helping.
I feel so deeply like audience to the people in my life, to the point where when I finally get a second to be in the spotlight, I over-react and temporarily suck all the oxygen out of the room and then I'm mortified for weeks. I don't know why anyone likes me unless I'm helpful or useful to them. And that's pretty pitiful. It's bittersweet to know it doesn't have to be that way.
Thank you so much for this, Ijeoma! You write so beautifully about something I struggle with constantly - even with my husband who is closer to me than just about anyone else in the world. It's so hard to allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable with other people, especially when doing that has resulted in pain and rejection in the past.
So honest and moving, truly, truly, thank you. Don't be surprised if a million or so people immediately friend you!
I have so many parallels to what you've shared about your own struggles and often get so overwhelmed I can't see just how much of myself I am reserving (really, just hiding) from others. I have recently reconnected with an old friend and the joy of being my whole self was a revelation. I hadn't realized just how much I needed that unfurling of my big, nerdy self. Thank you for being willing to share, it does make a difference, to me for certain.
“I have been able to see that I can’t bring part of myself to a relationship and expect it to ever be whole.”
I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot this week. There’s so much I identify with in this post (that I’m super late to comment on—my apologies!), maybe especially the part quoted above. Thank you for sharing all you do in your writing and helping others feel less alone.
When I signed up for the newsletter, it asked me to say why I was signing up. Having not read many newsletter posts, I didn't really know - but I know I like what the author has written in the past. This paragraph is exactly why I signed up for this newsletter:
"I don’t actually have advice to give here, and that makes me uncomfortable. This morning I sat at my desk trying to figure out how this newsletter could be of service and I had nothing but this to give. Even in this newsletter I struggle with the idea that I can just share part of who I am and that will be enough. Perhaps in writing this I’m trying to shift my relationship with you, reader, before we fall into unhealthy patterns. Perhaps I’m deciding to start here.":
Thank you for trusting us, your readers, to learn more of you than that you write stuff we connect with.
Thank you for writing this! I was so moved by your evolving self-awareness and dynamic evolution. I hope you find the people who can be there for you as much as you have been for others, and I wish you so much bravery as you keep stepping out of the safe role you’ve accepted from society/ self/ community and keep practicing bringing every part of yourself to your relationships.