Does Time Really Exist Anymore?

Beyond the Book: A Birthday Post

Well I guess I’m 43 now. I feel like I should be turning 35 and also 75 today. Because a) where has the time gone, and, b) why has **waves hands around in air** all this been happening for what feels like a million years now?

Birthdays, holidays and other ‘days are hard in times like these, when the world is on fire and there is a literal genocide going on. I REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

But also, that’s why I do just about everything I do, right? For our continued existence here? My writing, my work, my resistance, how I raise my kids, how I love my friends and family. It’s all because I want us all here. I want us all here free and loved and cared for. And I am here, and still able to do all this and still able to hold so many of those I cherish close. So on my birthday, I’m going to remind myself of some of the great things that this 43rd year on the planet has brought me. Because I really do have so much to be grateful for. Here are some highlights.

GOOD THINGS THIS YEAR:

1. I finished my book! My book is ALL done. This project has been truly transformational for me and I hope it will be for you as well. And in just a few short weeks, it will be sent out to stores and to your homes - if you preorder it. AND YOU SHOULD BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN GET A SIGNED COPY! Seriously, it would mean so much to me, pre-orders really matter to the success of a book, and it is a really good book, I promise. There are a limited number of signed copies available, so you should probably order yours now :).

   

   Image description: a photo of my upcoming book, BE A REVOLUTION, in hardcover

2. My kiddos have been immersed in their passions. The pandemic has been really hard on all of us - and it feels like young people were hit in some really cruel ways. For my boys, their recovery from isolation and paused progress at such pivotal stages of life has been a journey. But they’ve been helped by finding interests - “interests” sounds way too casual here but I’m stuggling to find another word when I already used “passions” (what am I, a writer or something?) - that they love and are able to dedicate a lot of time and energy to. My older son, Malcolm, fell in love with working on cars after the pandemic slammed into his college plans like a freight train. He’s now at a great automotive school and he’s doing so well there! It’s so wonderful to hear the excitement in his voice as he talks about it. Also, free oil changes for mom! My younger son, Marcus, has been in love with music for a few years now, but he picked up the double bass about 11 months ago and hasn’t looked back. He’s obsessed. It’s all music, all the time at our house these days. And all that plucking is really paying off - he was selected to the All-State Jazz band this year - the only double bass for all high schoolers in the state! Now, I’m constantly trying to not trip over an instrument (I believe he has 17 different instruments now) but it’s a small price to pay to hear him talk excitedly about his future for the first time in a few years now.

3. I got a new office! Sharing a wall with a teenager who owns 17 musical instruments was not the ideal working situation. And my therapist has been trying to convince me for a while to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. So I finally went and rented a little office a few miles away from my house. I love it so much. I’m there right now, writing this newsletter! I get out of the house, get regular interaction with people, and yet nobody bothers me when I’m working. Oh, AND I GET TO DECORATE A WHOLE NEW SPACE.

   

   Image description: a wall of family photos that I’ve put up in my new office.

   Let me know in comments if you want a tour after I’ve got all the pieces in place.

4. I’ve made more time for friends. The trauma of these last few years, combined with the public nature of my work, had me self-isolating a lot. I was pretty sure that I was never going to have “normal” friendships ever again because I had forgotten how they work. But I have been trying to be more vulnerable with a chosen few people, and it’s really paid off. Have you ever tried just saying “hey, I like you” to someone that you like and want to hang out with more? Maybe not with cis-men - I feel like most of them would think you’re trying to sleep with them, so maybe like…..oh I don’t know because most of my friends are not cis men so how does one even talk to cis men? Anyways. I’ve tried it, and it works (once again, with people who aren’t cis men)! I don’t have, like a rockin social life (I’M TIRED) but every month or two I’m having a nice meal or coffee with a friend and that’s so much more than I was doing for the last 7 years or so. It’s really nice. Are you a cis man? How can a woman say that she likes you as a human being without you thinking that she wants to sleep with you? Help us out in the comments!

5. I cut my hair! Highlight of the year? Probably not. But it’s recent and it’s, you know, my head, so I’m putting it on the list.

   

   Image description: a photograph of my new short, asymmetrical haircut.

   I had a similar cut about a decade ago and I loved it, but I missed having more style options so I grew it out. But guess what I don’t want to do in my forties?? If you guessed “my hair” you are right. I only want to do what I want to do. I want to put on an elaborate makeup look just about every day. I want to mix as many patterns in my clothing as possible. I want to spend half a day every few weeks painting elaborate designs on my nails. I don’t want to shave my legs, and I don’t want to style my hair. So I won’t.

6. I HAVE TEETH. This one is a biggie that I’m so grateful for every day. It was such a long and painful (emotionally, physically, and financially) journey to get to this point, where I can smile with ease and eat without pain. I’m still regularly running my tongue over my teeth, amazed that they are all mine. I’m also having to relearn how to talk? I mean, I can make words, but I did a lot of manipulation with my mouth to account for all of the gaps where my teeth were missing, in order to be able to enunciate clearly. And now I don’t have those gaps and my tongue keeps running into my teeth and tripping me up, like a kid you let push the grocery cart for about 30 seconds until you suddenly have bloody ankles and you have to take it back before your feet need to be amputated. Anywhoo, it’s been life-changing. And I’m still livid that it took years of painful surgery and FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS to have teeth when, you know, socialized medicine could have prevented the need for any of this. But after decades of not being able to eat anything too crunchy or chewy and years of not feeling comfortable with a full smile, I’m eating everything and smiling a whole bunch.

This year has been a lot, and has been full of ups and downs, and through it all I’ve been lucky to have the world’s most amazing partner at my side. And I’m glad I’m still here, and I’m glad that my family is safe and healthy. But also, let’s just flush this garbage-fire of a year okay? And just keep working toward a better, more just 2024?

So happy birthday to me. Thank you all for your support this year, it has meant so much to me and my family. And if you feel like getting me a birthday gift - I’ll just ask that you keep speaking up and out for Palestine. Keep sharing info, keep calling your representatives, keep showing up at protests, keep having those difficult conversations. It really matters, and I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it is making a difference. If you want more information on the history of Palestine and the occupation of Palestine, this is a great resource.

Happy New Year everyone. Mask up, be safe, hug your loved ones, and Free Palestine.