I move through the world (often, but not always) on an electric bike. Studies show that they’re just as healthful as riding a regular bike, but that isn’t the reaction a fat person gets as feedback when they ride one. But somehow being fat means you can be scolded for whatever you do or are perceived as not doing. Dress too short or low cut? Critique. E-bike? Critique. Walking? However you’re doing it, no matter why, you should do it differently. My response at 64 years of age is “Are you OK?” As I blithely continue on my way. You don’t know me. You don’t get to critique me. And even those who know me can’t really know the totality of me.
This resonated with me so, so much. I worked at a plus-size boutique a few years ago. The awful things people say to themselves! The awful things people say to those they supposedly love! That was hands-down the worst part of the job. There was a man who would come in, either on his own or with his wife. If she was with him, he’d pick out clothes, she would try them on and he’d decide what to buy if he liked the way it looked. He explained this process to my colleague, I’m not inferring. The vibe was decidedly controlling, and I couldn’t serve them because it made me so angry.
“When we dress how we want and signal that we want to move through the world as we want, we signal that we feel we are deserving of an autonomy that the rest of the world feels that we haven’t earned. And that threatens the idea that autonomy is something to be earned at all.” Yes!!!
Thank you for this. My youngest daughter is seven and our doctor has mentioned her BMI is too high and warned us to make serious changes for the sake of her health. She is happy and confident in her body and has always been very independent with her fashion sense. Yes, her clothes are larger than her peers, but she feels good and takes pride in how she looks. I love and envy that, I don't want that to change. I feel like if she starts dieting now, I'm setting her up for a lifetime of worrying over her weight.
Holy crap, this is brilliant! And yeah, there’s almost nothing about existing in a fat body that doesn’t get interpreted as an invitation to control you. Plus it’s very much a gendered thing; men are also shamed for being fat, and I don’t want to erase that experience at all, but women and people perceived as women get that AND the attempts to control. I think about every time a server put the fish in front of me and the steak in front of my husband, and then acted like WE were the ones doing it wrong when I said we’d ordered it the other way around. Or how eating with thin women so often turns into a discussion of what they do and don’t allow themselves to eat, and there’s a good chance they’ll call out whatever I’m eating as a “bad” food even as I’m sitting right there putting it in my face…
"When we dress how we want and signal that we want to move through the world as we want, we signal that we feel we are deserving of an autonomy that the rest of the world feels that we haven’t earned. And that threatens the idea that autonomy is something to be earned at all." BINGO. 😋
Whether it’s about health or weight or fitness, I would like something like a BMI scale that is based on real people, not an arbitrary model of fitness. Too many are identified as “morbidly obese” when they are anything but. It’s horrifying to see that in a medical chart note.
Thank you so much for this. Slightly off-topic: I think another part of control and shaming is the greed-based capitalist system we live in. Profit, profit profit as god, and advertising to help us feel bad enough about ourselves that we will buy XYZ product.
I move through the world (often, but not always) on an electric bike. Studies show that they’re just as healthful as riding a regular bike, but that isn’t the reaction a fat person gets as feedback when they ride one. But somehow being fat means you can be scolded for whatever you do or are perceived as not doing. Dress too short or low cut? Critique. E-bike? Critique. Walking? However you’re doing it, no matter why, you should do it differently. My response at 64 years of age is “Are you OK?” As I blithely continue on my way. You don’t know me. You don’t get to critique me. And even those who know me can’t really know the totality of me.
This resonated with me so, so much. I worked at a plus-size boutique a few years ago. The awful things people say to themselves! The awful things people say to those they supposedly love! That was hands-down the worst part of the job. There was a man who would come in, either on his own or with his wife. If she was with him, he’d pick out clothes, she would try them on and he’d decide what to buy if he liked the way it looked. He explained this process to my colleague, I’m not inferring. The vibe was decidedly controlling, and I couldn’t serve them because it made me so angry.
“When we dress how we want and signal that we want to move through the world as we want, we signal that we feel we are deserving of an autonomy that the rest of the world feels that we haven’t earned. And that threatens the idea that autonomy is something to be earned at all.” Yes!!!
Thank you for this. My youngest daughter is seven and our doctor has mentioned her BMI is too high and warned us to make serious changes for the sake of her health. She is happy and confident in her body and has always been very independent with her fashion sense. Yes, her clothes are larger than her peers, but she feels good and takes pride in how she looks. I love and envy that, I don't want that to change. I feel like if she starts dieting now, I'm setting her up for a lifetime of worrying over her weight.
Holy crap, this is brilliant! And yeah, there’s almost nothing about existing in a fat body that doesn’t get interpreted as an invitation to control you. Plus it’s very much a gendered thing; men are also shamed for being fat, and I don’t want to erase that experience at all, but women and people perceived as women get that AND the attempts to control. I think about every time a server put the fish in front of me and the steak in front of my husband, and then acted like WE were the ones doing it wrong when I said we’d ordered it the other way around. Or how eating with thin women so often turns into a discussion of what they do and don’t allow themselves to eat, and there’s a good chance they’ll call out whatever I’m eating as a “bad” food even as I’m sitting right there putting it in my face…
"When we dress how we want and signal that we want to move through the world as we want, we signal that we feel we are deserving of an autonomy that the rest of the world feels that we haven’t earned. And that threatens the idea that autonomy is something to be earned at all." BINGO. 😋
Whether it’s about health or weight or fitness, I would like something like a BMI scale that is based on real people, not an arbitrary model of fitness. Too many are identified as “morbidly obese” when they are anything but. It’s horrifying to see that in a medical chart note.
Wow, this was so good. Thank for expressing so eloquently how I feel so much of the time.
Thank you so much for this. Slightly off-topic: I think another part of control and shaming is the greed-based capitalist system we live in. Profit, profit profit as god, and advertising to help us feel bad enough about ourselves that we will buy XYZ product.