I am reminded of "The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House," by
Audre Lorde. I have the privilege to be exposed to my Nigerian culture as well as this American culture and I find myself actually being able to come up with something different, sometimes, than the master's tools. In this culture, it is hard to discover something different if you are not exposed to it. So I am grateful for this post as you navigate the nuances and point this problem out. Thank you.
I also parent this way and grapple with these same thoughts about motivating my daughter but I don’t think I had made the connection to my abolitionist views. I will be examining my day a bit more closely to see the other ways my broader beliefs about the world play out in my daily relationships (or not).
I’m currently reading Pedagogy of the Oppressed and the book digs into what you mention about how being immersed in oppressive structures makes it hard to have consciousness of what to change. I am sort of hoping this book will help me further my understanding of a question I think about everyday - how do we get enough perspective to interrupt the harmful patterns we have been trained to repeat? Thanks for this post and the layers of inquiry it just added for me!
Within my marriage we unhooked from a lot of the cultural programming by going through an anti violence/intimacy nurturing program after our open adoption triad ruptured. We're birth parents and I was verbally and emotionally abused by the adoptive mother - who had been my close friend for years before the adoption - and it got real ugly. We went through a grassroots transformative justice process that took almost a year to heal that rupture (we've had a solid relationship for 5 years now) and what we learned has moved out into all our relating. The basis of the program is the idea that superiority is the beginning of all violence (defined as any attempt to coerce or control ourselves or another), so we've worked to uproot our own superiority (from ethical superiority to the subtle how-you-load-a-dishwasher superiority). I see how superiority is rife on the left and very much getting in the way of solidarity. Everyone needs to be uprooting superiority within themselves if we hope to ever transform supremacy culture.
I don't have the answer, but I know one thing is central to me: that my children have always seen that I respect their dignity as human beings. Even when they were toddlers, even when they were teens, even when the world said not to take their fears and sadness and anger seriously because they were just kids. I have tried really hard to meet them with empathy for their struggles and respect that their goals aren't the same as mine. I'm considered a real weirdo in the neighborhood for this because the parents say "if punishment does not make children comply, you have to punish them harder." That was how I grew up and it didn't work for me. And we did not always have rooms picked up to the standards I would have wished but my kids trust me and talk to me. And I trust them back. That's been one of the greatest joys of my life.
I've also realised that you can't always apply abolishionist practices with others unless you take a look at your internal world. The internal judge and critic can be some of the harshest. Trying to observe and connect with these voices so that I can understand the painful place they often come from is important work. I think then that same compassion and connection can be shared with others.
In parenting, I found the book Punished by Rewards to be helpful in thinking about how to move outside of a hierarchical, punishment based system. I was never able to figure out a way to get my kids to do chores that wasn't reward/punishment based (or, more accurately, involved me getting upset/yelling), so I gave up on that. What did work for us, over time, was asking for help - when we all pitched in on things that needed to get done, or everyone was working on different household tasks but at the same time. The other, related, idea I tried to work from, which also fits in a less-hierarchical approach, is that the parent can control the situation and their own reaction, but not the kid or the kid's reaction. I think this could tie in part to abolition (in my non-expert understanding of it) in that if you have a society set up so that people are secure in food, housing and sense of belonging, it starts to move away from a punitive, capitalist system.
I went to a parenting talk when my little one was a toddler that I’ve been so grateful for ever since. Can’t remember who gave it at a local elementary school but I bless that woman. (My little one is now an adult 😊.)
The speaker said, remember, you are the authority who creates the structure that gives your kids security (or something like that), and the way to help your child manage contributing to the household, and understanding their responsibilities is to be clear that fun follows finishing responsibilities.
“We can [insert what’s fun - leave for/do/watch/etc.,] as soon as you/we are finished [insert whatever – picking up your toys/eating/cleaning your room/homework/packing your schoolbag/the dishes, etc.]." The key is you have to hold the line – until whatever it is is done, the fun doesn’t start.
For the most part, it worked without question – it was just how things were. No yelling (on my part, at least), and it seemed to just build the guidance/responsibility for doing what needed to be done right into the course of our days.
The key is you have to hold the line – until whatever it is is done, the fun doesn’t start.
I found that phrasing a gift from heaven. I have a very close relationship with my son who’s now following his dreams and pursuing his chosen career after years of hard work and discipline - which he needed to get this far, and will need more of to achieve what he wants.
Now – I had only one child, who was pretty easy, and who also had passionate interests in particular things from an early age – so that created leverage and made this very effective for us. A different character might not respond the same way.
In the context of abolition and freedom, I think the choice presented above was always to forego the fun if you didn't want to finish the chore/obligation - and sometimes there was a very long delay, or we didn't get to that thing that he wanted to do. But for the most part, things ticked over pretty well.
Thank you for this post. I also try to be a non-punitive parent, and "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn is the original half-read parenting book in my small collection of half-read parenting books. There is also a lot to be said for approaches to parenting that are not about rewards for behaviours (and I wonder how that maps onto an abolitionist approach to parenting?) - as there is some evidence that children rewarded for behaviours perceived as positive then tend to behave that way for the reward rather than for the inherent positivity of the behaviour (Melinda Wenner-Moyer's newsletter "Is my kid the asshole?" is interesting on this and a lot else).
For me, the concern is that we can apply these other ways at home but school (here in the UK, and I think commonly in the US) is typically very much on the punishment/reward axis. I'm at peace now with the fact that these systems are not going to be possible to change in my children's school lifetimes, and that I do not have the energy or patience or skills to home school. I would love to see school be more led by children's needs and interests, natural aptitudes and their own nascent moral compasses, but I think that's very hard to picture in a world that otherwise punishes them for both mistakes and misdeeds, and breaks their natural confidence in themselves with constant external judgments. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit, but thank you for a thought-provoking post.
In my old age I've taken to supporting non-authoritarian child-rearing practices that don't use punishment and rewards. The best source I've found is Janet Lansbury [https://www.janetlansbury.com/tag/discipline/].
She focuses on infants and toddlers but her methods and attitudes can be applied to all ages.
Thank you for exploring alternatives to punishment. Our whole culture could well use alternative approaches to incarceration and blame.
I've been unpacking morality in care tasks and systems as I support family of two recently diagnosed autistic teens and a self-diagnosed autistic spouse; from my ADHD perspective. As I learn about the false morality (cleanliness is next to godliness, work ethic, productivity) of homemaking and parenting, I see the ableism along with the classism and racism. Now to learn more about abolition. Thank you.
I am reminded of "The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House," by
Audre Lorde. I have the privilege to be exposed to my Nigerian culture as well as this American culture and I find myself actually being able to come up with something different, sometimes, than the master's tools. In this culture, it is hard to discover something different if you are not exposed to it. So I am grateful for this post as you navigate the nuances and point this problem out. Thank you.
I also parent this way and grapple with these same thoughts about motivating my daughter but I don’t think I had made the connection to my abolitionist views. I will be examining my day a bit more closely to see the other ways my broader beliefs about the world play out in my daily relationships (or not).
I’m currently reading Pedagogy of the Oppressed and the book digs into what you mention about how being immersed in oppressive structures makes it hard to have consciousness of what to change. I am sort of hoping this book will help me further my understanding of a question I think about everyday - how do we get enough perspective to interrupt the harmful patterns we have been trained to repeat? Thanks for this post and the layers of inquiry it just added for me!
Within my marriage we unhooked from a lot of the cultural programming by going through an anti violence/intimacy nurturing program after our open adoption triad ruptured. We're birth parents and I was verbally and emotionally abused by the adoptive mother - who had been my close friend for years before the adoption - and it got real ugly. We went through a grassroots transformative justice process that took almost a year to heal that rupture (we've had a solid relationship for 5 years now) and what we learned has moved out into all our relating. The basis of the program is the idea that superiority is the beginning of all violence (defined as any attempt to coerce or control ourselves or another), so we've worked to uproot our own superiority (from ethical superiority to the subtle how-you-load-a-dishwasher superiority). I see how superiority is rife on the left and very much getting in the way of solidarity. Everyone needs to be uprooting superiority within themselves if we hope to ever transform supremacy culture.
Well yah, I need to figure out how to get my kid to clean his room also but it never occurred to me to think about it from an abolitionist stance.
I don't have the answer, but I know one thing is central to me: that my children have always seen that I respect their dignity as human beings. Even when they were toddlers, even when they were teens, even when the world said not to take their fears and sadness and anger seriously because they were just kids. I have tried really hard to meet them with empathy for their struggles and respect that their goals aren't the same as mine. I'm considered a real weirdo in the neighborhood for this because the parents say "if punishment does not make children comply, you have to punish them harder." That was how I grew up and it didn't work for me. And we did not always have rooms picked up to the standards I would have wished but my kids trust me and talk to me. And I trust them back. That's been one of the greatest joys of my life.
I've also realised that you can't always apply abolishionist practices with others unless you take a look at your internal world. The internal judge and critic can be some of the harshest. Trying to observe and connect with these voices so that I can understand the painful place they often come from is important work. I think then that same compassion and connection can be shared with others.
In parenting, I found the book Punished by Rewards to be helpful in thinking about how to move outside of a hierarchical, punishment based system. I was never able to figure out a way to get my kids to do chores that wasn't reward/punishment based (or, more accurately, involved me getting upset/yelling), so I gave up on that. What did work for us, over time, was asking for help - when we all pitched in on things that needed to get done, or everyone was working on different household tasks but at the same time. The other, related, idea I tried to work from, which also fits in a less-hierarchical approach, is that the parent can control the situation and their own reaction, but not the kid or the kid's reaction. I think this could tie in part to abolition (in my non-expert understanding of it) in that if you have a society set up so that people are secure in food, housing and sense of belonging, it starts to move away from a punitive, capitalist system.
I went to a parenting talk when my little one was a toddler that I’ve been so grateful for ever since. Can’t remember who gave it at a local elementary school but I bless that woman. (My little one is now an adult 😊.)
The speaker said, remember, you are the authority who creates the structure that gives your kids security (or something like that), and the way to help your child manage contributing to the household, and understanding their responsibilities is to be clear that fun follows finishing responsibilities.
“We can [insert what’s fun - leave for/do/watch/etc.,] as soon as you/we are finished [insert whatever – picking up your toys/eating/cleaning your room/homework/packing your schoolbag/the dishes, etc.]." The key is you have to hold the line – until whatever it is is done, the fun doesn’t start.
For the most part, it worked without question – it was just how things were. No yelling (on my part, at least), and it seemed to just build the guidance/responsibility for doing what needed to be done right into the course of our days.
The key is you have to hold the line – until whatever it is is done, the fun doesn’t start.
I found that phrasing a gift from heaven. I have a very close relationship with my son who’s now following his dreams and pursuing his chosen career after years of hard work and discipline - which he needed to get this far, and will need more of to achieve what he wants.
Now – I had only one child, who was pretty easy, and who also had passionate interests in particular things from an early age – so that created leverage and made this very effective for us. A different character might not respond the same way.
In the context of abolition and freedom, I think the choice presented above was always to forego the fun if you didn't want to finish the chore/obligation - and sometimes there was a very long delay, or we didn't get to that thing that he wanted to do. But for the most part, things ticked over pretty well.
Thank you for this post. I also try to be a non-punitive parent, and "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn is the original half-read parenting book in my small collection of half-read parenting books. There is also a lot to be said for approaches to parenting that are not about rewards for behaviours (and I wonder how that maps onto an abolitionist approach to parenting?) - as there is some evidence that children rewarded for behaviours perceived as positive then tend to behave that way for the reward rather than for the inherent positivity of the behaviour (Melinda Wenner-Moyer's newsletter "Is my kid the asshole?" is interesting on this and a lot else).
For me, the concern is that we can apply these other ways at home but school (here in the UK, and I think commonly in the US) is typically very much on the punishment/reward axis. I'm at peace now with the fact that these systems are not going to be possible to change in my children's school lifetimes, and that I do not have the energy or patience or skills to home school. I would love to see school be more led by children's needs and interests, natural aptitudes and their own nascent moral compasses, but I think that's very hard to picture in a world that otherwise punishes them for both mistakes and misdeeds, and breaks their natural confidence in themselves with constant external judgments. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit, but thank you for a thought-provoking post.
In my old age I've taken to supporting non-authoritarian child-rearing practices that don't use punishment and rewards. The best source I've found is Janet Lansbury [https://www.janetlansbury.com/tag/discipline/].
She focuses on infants and toddlers but her methods and attitudes can be applied to all ages.
Thank you for exploring alternatives to punishment. Our whole culture could well use alternative approaches to incarceration and blame.
I've been unpacking morality in care tasks and systems as I support family of two recently diagnosed autistic teens and a self-diagnosed autistic spouse; from my ADHD perspective. As I learn about the false morality (cleanliness is next to godliness, work ethic, productivity) of homemaking and parenting, I see the ableism along with the classism and racism. Now to learn more about abolition. Thank you.