We Got The Law Involved

Beyond the Book: A WEDDING

Well y’all, we did it. On August 13, 2022 in front of 150 or so of our nearest and dearest, my partner and I did what so many people have done in so many ways for hundreds of years: we got married.

Even though marriage is in no way a new thing. Even though I know that, just as so many mothers think that their babies are the most beautiful and special ever created, many newlyweds feel that their weddings were the most beautiful and special ever attended: I still reserve the right to talk about my wedding as if it is the most beautiful and special ever attended.

Perhaps it is because so many of us get married, so many of us have seen others get married, so many of us swear we’ll never get married once or ever again - perhaps that is why I feel compelled to talk about it. Because a wedding and a marriage is both a pretty universal and yet wildly unique experience that impacts just about all of us, whether or not we ever tie the knot ourselves. Weddings do not have to be expensive. They do not have to be large. They do not have to happen at all. I would have been happy never being married again. I honestly can say that I would be happy today even if I hadn’t fallen in love with Gabriel at all, and I’m confident he could say the same about if he hadn’t fallen in love with me. We were whole, complete people without each other. But we fell in love and became best friends and discovered that we liked being together every day, and it added a new dimension to our lives that we were so fond of that we decided to get the law involved.

Get married if you want to, and only if you want to. We wanted to, so we did. And it was ours.

Or maybe I just want to talk about this dress.

photo by Bri McDaniel

More on that later.

The truth is, I really didn’t think I’d ever get married again. My first wedding was, as previously documented, not good. The marriage that came from that was worse. Marriage had tied me to an abuser in a way that was very costly - emotionally and financially - to extricate myself from. I was in no hurry to do that again.

But if you’ve been reading a few of my past newsletters here, or just following me on social media for a minute, you’ll know that the person I am married to now is so different from that. This relationship has been so beautiful, supportive, enlightening, fun, and healing for me. I have surprisingly found myself longing for the public and legal recognition that we have decided to tie our futures together for the long haul.

I was 20 the first time I got married. It was not fun. Now, at 41, I could not imagine going through the effort and expense of a wedding that I wouldn’t enjoy. So Gabriel and I decided to try to get as close to a community celebration that reflected our personalities and relationship as we could.

And so we set about planning the most expensive party of our lives.

We tried to keep as much of the money spent on our wedding in the pockets of Black and Indigenous businesses as possible. That started with our dream location: Daybreak Star Indian Cultural Center. This space, won and kept through Indigenous occupation and activism, has meant a lot to Gabriel for decades now. He was the first person to show it to me, and during lockdown a few years ago, we would walk the grounds and feel a deep sense of peace and connection to a place that is a living monument to community, resistance, and perseverance. When we began planning our wedding, there was no question that this was the location for us.

photo by our friend Talcott

Gabriel’s suit was made by Vice Gerent and the first time I saw him in it I almost fell over in love because he looked so damn beautiful. My dress was made by Jasmine at Jibri. She took my very basic requirements (a West African fabric element and a cinched waist) and created a dream of a gown that had me looking like the princess that I never knew I wanted to be.

Ok ok, I could go on about details forever but then this post will be hella long and I am on my honeymoon demanding that my new spouse stop looking over my shoulder while I write because I can’t write about him while he’s looking.

So, let me just leave you with a few highlights from one of the best days of my life.

• My sister Jacque flew in from Baltimore and didn’t leave my side in the days and minutes leading up to the ceremony. She calmed me down on the way to the venue when I got stuck behind the Ballard bridge (IYKYK), she helped steam the wrinkles out of my dress, she helped style my hair, she helped me put on my tights and shoes when I couldn’t see my feet over the thousands of yards of fabric affixed to my body and hadn’t thought to put them on before the dress, she packed all my wedding necessities, she even put my earrings on me when I was so nervous that my fingers basically stopped working. I can’t really put into words how grateful I am for her.

• When my sister and I were about halfway to the venue on the big day, and already running quite late, Gabriel called and asked, “hey, have you seen my car keys?” Turns out, my sister had his keys in her purse and I had his backup in mine. I was all, “OH SHIT, OH SHIT. I’M TURNING AROUND NOW.” And he was calmly like, “Why would you do that? Don’t worry, I’ll find a ride.” After securing a ride with my oldest son’s girlfriend, he called on the way and said, “I have a question for you…….Should I stop and get us lattes? Or am I trippin?” After he hung up I said to my sister, “This is why I’m marrying this person.” He got us lattes.

• Our ceremony was in a large field behind Daybreak Star, in front of the water. As I was getting ready to walk, with my sons at my side, I was surprised at how immediately I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I hadn’t even taken a step down the aisle yet. I took a few deep breaths and when I got my cue from the wedding planner, I started to walk down to where the attendees and my parter were waiting. There’s a few feet you walk before suddenly the field is visible below. There, waiting for me, were so many people I love. I was taking deep breaths (which in some video that people have shared looks almost like I’m hyperventilating) to stem the tears and preserve my makeup. But then, the moment we saw everyone, my younger son said, “Oh crap now I’m crying,” and it was over for me. I didn’t even make it to the altar makeup intact. I was a blubbering mess from go.

  

  photo by our friend Aisha

• Our officiant and dear friend Lola Peters prepared the most gorgeous words for our ceremony full of such love and care. It was a ceremony officiated by someone who understood us, our love, and our love of community. Gabriel and I, on the other hand, decided to freestyle our vows as we were so busy and overwhelmed the days leading up to the wedding that we didn’t want our words of love for each other to be a source of stress. It was a winning combination that reflected both the thought and care and wild abandon with which we hope to live our lives together.

  

  photo by Bri McDaniel

  

  Photo by our friend Henny

• My sons gave unexpected and beautiful wedding toasts. If you have raised teenagers, you will know that they are surly on their sweetest days. So to watch my 14 year old cry in front of 150+ people, talking about how happy he is for me and how much he loves Gabriel, was one of the most heart-filling moments of my and Gabriel’s lives.

• Multiple people in their toasts talked about how bad I was at picking partners before Gabriel and I started dating. This is not a favorite moment, but worth mentioning, because comeon guys - we don’t have to say everything just because it’s true.

• My younger son and his best friend gave their debut musical performances at my wedding and they even came with jokes that weren’t poop or sex jokes and they charmed and entertained everyone in attendance - and their songs (a blues song about having to wear a retainer after getting your braces off and a second one with really beautiful instrumentation that my son described as “a downer”) were great!

  

  photo by our friend Ben

• Gabriel freestyled a rap for me and then was joined by two of his very close friends/fellow rap nerds on stage for a one of a kind wedding performance. I remember watching them and thinking, “Damn, we are so cool.”

  

  photos by our friend Jenn

  

  

• It was time to cut the cake but neither of us knew what we were doing and apparently neither did any of the guests and we didn’t have a plate to even put the slice of cake on so I just waved a cake-covered knife around in confusion until somebody found me a cake plate.

  

  photos by our friend Prisca

• After over two years of distance from so many people we love, we got to bring so many people in our community together. We had covid testing requirements and a tester onsite, as well as outdoor seating options. This enabled a lot of our immune compromised friends and those who for many reasons would normally be hesitant to be part of such a large gathering to join us on our special day. Seeing people reconnect and laugh and dance after so much time apart is one of the best wedding gifts we could have imagined.

Well, that’s all for now y’all. I’m going to get back to honeymoon stuff. Thank you for hanging out with me while I talked about this great day. It truly was joyful.

photo by Bri McDaniel

I can’t promise I’ll be done talking about it anytime soon and will be providing a few honeymoon updates in the future. I wish you all love in all its beautiful forms.