Heyo! Welcome to another installment of the Semi-Regular Weekly Update - where I talk about random stuff that happened during the week. Important reminder: these updates will soon (as in, the next time I post one of these) be only available to paid subscribers- so please go get those subscriptions in! There are some scholarships available, funded by some of you generous readers who signed up for founding memberships - so if you need a scholarship, send me an email!
Ok, these last few weeks……sucked? Like, so much? Oh man, do you mind if I just complain for a bit? I’ll try to, like, put some sort of lesson or reflection in here to make it worth your time, but mostly I’m just whining.
As I wrote in my last update, we decided to cancel the whole large family Christmas. It was just my partner and I, the kids, and the grandmas. We tried to get the kids a few choice presents that we really knew they’d love. Gabriel and I spent a lot of time trying to secret squirrel them around the house (which is hard during winter break in covid times when nobody is leaving the house) and we were hoping that some meaningful gifts might help make up for the fact that there wasn’t going to be a giant family funfest that there usually is over the holidays.
Ok, but here’s where I fucked up.
I forgot to tell the kids? I forgot to tell the kids that we weren’t having the big family Christmas. I told you - THE WHOLE INTERNET - about this weeks before Christmas. But I somehow forgot to tell the two people in my home most impacted by this decision. So yeah, they were really upset to find out CHRISTMAS MORNING that the family day they were looking forward to wasn’t happening, which is just a great present to start out the day.
I’m the absolute worst sometimes.
That being said, they did end up having a pretty good night. They truly loved their gifts. The main gifts from us were an acoustic guitar for the younger kiddo, and a new camera for the older kiddo. I made spaghetti and meatballs (best Christmas dinner ever BTW because everybody loves it, it feels a little fancy, and it’s a billion times less work than a roast or some shit like that) which everyone devoured.
Next was my birthday. I turned 41 on the 30th and boy was that not a fun time. We had a nice small dinner at a favorite restaurant planned for me, Gabriel and the boys on the 29th. Then, Gabriel and I had a night away at a fancy hotel and dinner at one of my dream dining experiences that I haven’t been able to have yet. The sort of place where you get reservations to 6 months in advance. So, do I even have to tell you that Miss Covid was like “um, hell no” and made sure that all three of these establishments would be closed due to Omicron? I honestly wasn’t all that upset. By the week of my birthday I saw pretty clearly that even if these places were still open to business, I wasn’t going to feel safe going there.
So our alternate plan, since Gabriel still had the day off, was to hang out in our pajamas all day and watch British murder mysteries - after I painted my nails and put on my birthday makeup. Y’all know I love British murder mysteries - Gabriel doesn’t love them quite so much. So usually I’m watching them by myself late at night after he goes to sleep. But this was my chance to win him over. I was going to show him the best of the best and over-explain every nuance and then I would have someone to watch British murder mysteries with FOREVER.
Gabriel went and got breakfast for us all and before we could even finish eating he got a call from a coworker informing him that he’d been exposed to covid the day before. So he had to go into quarantine - ON MY BIRTHDAY. He was banished to his music studio and y’all, you would have thought I was saying goodbye as he was banished to fucking Siberia or something - the way I cried. I was so absolutely extra about it all.
I can handle being sick, or the thought of getting sick. But my loved ones getting sick? Oh lord, I’m a mess. I’ll take care of you -, make you soup, take your temperature, force you to drink fluids - but I’ll be a weeping, snotty-nosed mess the whole time: looking at you like you just might die in front of me at any minute so I have to tell you “I love you” a thousand times an hour and poking you in the side when you fall asleep just to make sure you’re still breathing. If you get sick I’m guaranteed to make sure that we are both miserable through every minute of it.
But we couldn’t risk getting the kiddo sick, so into quarantine Gabriel went and I wasn’t even able to give him hugs or poke him when he fell asleep. I just crawled into bed and cried like this dude was actually dying 5,000 miles away from me and not LISTENING TO HIS RECORD COLLECTION THE NEXT ROOM OVER FEELING COMPLETELY FINE BECAUSE HE HADN’T EVEN BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ANYTHING YET.
It was a lot. But it was just the culmination of two years of this shit and on my birthday I absolutely ran out of any ability to be able to handle it all.
After quite a bit of dramatics, my teenager decided to do something about it. This kiddo crawled into bed beside me, said, “wow, you’re not even wearing makeup. I thought you wanted to paint your nails.” When I insisted that I was too bummed to do anything other than mope around in bed, he asked what we were watching and proceeded to talk over every single minute of Foyle’s War. He refused to leave my side for hours. Just cuddled up next to me, smelling like a teen who is always losing his deodorant, while he played on his phone and occasionally made fun of the tv dialogue. I asked him if he wanted me to make him something to eat and he said, “I’ll be hungry whenever you’re hungry,” and just stayed right by my side until I felt like I could focus on anything else without crying. I ordered some dinner and then around midnight I felt like I could paint my nails.
Anyways, Gabriel continued to isolate and a few days later we were able to get him tested. He never got covid - we feel very fortunate. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from all of this is that I should really invest in a proper fainting couch if I’m going to get through the rest of this pandemic with any sort of dignity. Because hanging out in bed all day because your partner has been banished to the room next door is not all that romantic.
Gabriel and I are 6 days apart in age. So for the days between December 30 and January 5th I completely lord it over him. I remind him that I’m the boss because I’m the elder and he’s not allowed to sass me. Anyway, I know that it’s quite trivial - especially given the circumstances - but I’m still very upset that stupid covid quarantine took away my time to be BOSS OF EVERYTHING.
This fucking pandemic.
Ok, so here’s the real lesson or whatever that I promised. The morning of my birthday, Gabriel woke me up with one of those birthday videos that have become popular over this pandemic. You know, the ones where all of your friends send in video messages wishing you a happy birthday and it’s turned into one big heartwarming video? I had one made for Gabriel for his birthday last year because he’s such a social and community-minded person. His love for his friends is deep and I knew he was really missing them. He really loved it and turned to it multiple times throughout the year when he was missing his people.
So, even though I had made Gabriel one of these videos the year before, I was totally shocked when he made one for me. Y’all have heard me talk about how hard it is for me to make friends. I’ve never considered myself someone who had a lot of close connections. At times I like to act like I don’t really need people. Videos like this are for people like Gabriel, not people like me.
Gabriel hit play and from the very first minute I was fucking bawling. Oh my goodness. All these people. Faces I hadn’t seen for months or even years. Talking to me. Sharing memories of us. I was such a mess. I shouted out everyone’s name as they showed up on screen. I waved hello like they could wave back. I felt so loved - not only by Gabriel, but by every person in the video. But what really got me was realizing how very much I love each and every person who was on the screen. Such a deep and true love. My community, my people. People I needed to see and hug and talk with. I have often said that I love people more in theory than in reality, but I was reminded that I really truly love people. I love my friends and family. I love how funny they are, how kind they are, how weird they are, how messy they are. And they love me. Gabriel knew I needed that. He looked at me as I cried like he was the teacher in an after school special - “Now do you see? The magic was in you all along!”
Anyways. These past couple of weeks I kind of fell apart and the people I love really helped pull me back together. I guess the lesson here is that it can be really scary to love people in uncertain times. It can feel very risky to try to count on something as delicate as love when even our strongest institutions seem to be crumbling around us. But that love is really the only thing that will get us through. It is the only thing that can’t be taken from us. The love we have for others, the love others have for us, and the love we have for ourselves. It’s really the only thing we have to count on right now. In a week where I was more than happy to be miserably alone, my partner and my son absolutely refused to let me lie to myself and believe for one second more that I wasn’t surrounded by love.
I hope that you get to see some of the love that is surrounding you right now.
Love you all. Hang in there.
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When I got to the part of this piece where you pointed out how risky it can feel to count on love right now, I started crying. You expressed something I've been feeling for a while and couldn't put my finger on. Thank you!
Happy Birthday! My birthday was January 2 and I turned 59. My husband made my favorite meal - turkey dinner with all the trimmings! It was so good. I’m currently fighting cancer so we don’t go out very often. He made the day at home special for me. And honestly, just being together is special. Hope your days get better. Hang in there!